The irony is, Its called "Wisdom"...

Yesterday evening, I decided, after rudely being awakened from a deep sound sleep that I should go to the beach and do some ship sighting. The eternal “Wisdom” shone upon me and I dragged my feet into the car. My sister, who graciously volunteered to drive us there, got into “Race car” Driving mode and I slumped in the backseat and slowly, from vertical sitting posture, I reached the horizontal sleeping posture within 30 seconds!!! My self-conscious sister who was unaware of this, kept wondering why random people, on bikes or in rickshaws were gawking like idiots ! She later realized they were at me. (Surprisingly, neither was she shocked at the fact nor was she amused. What can I say…we’re a family of freaks )

The car was parked and we began walking to the Beach front. We saw traffic havaldars hauling away scores of people, towing away expensive cars, doing their day to day mundane chores. As we approached the open beach, our eyes searched for the “Wisdom”. (For those of you who don’t know what “Wisdom” is, I can say, YOU LIVE UNDER A ROCK !!! Google “Abandoned-Nigerian-ship-Wisdom-reaches-Mumbai-shores-shortly-after-endangering-Bandra-Worli-Sea-Link.” Well that sort of summarizes everything on Google) So we searched far and beyond and finally it caught our sight.

I was content looking at it from far away but mum wanted to get closer. So we walked and walked. As we got closer to the ship, the density of the crowd got thicker with each step. We couldn’t help but notice, three men who were frolicking in the sand half naked. A few steps further, a woman, who was running a small tattoo joint. The customer was in agony as we could see but at least he was getting a tattoo to flaunt. His best friend who had courageously stepped to “be there with him” was holding up a tower of the 6 batteries which were required to run her tattoo machine !! Hilarious I tell you. One move and…PHAT !! She would throw a handful of sand in his face “thik se pakdo na !!”

A few centimeters away (I dare not say feet), was a family of four, who were enjoying home made sandwiches, which they, for some unknown reason, wanted to assemble at the beach. Neatly stacked in six different boxes were pieces of cucumber, tomatoes, onions, potatoes slices of bread and butter. We kicked some sand in their sandwich while walking across. They didn’t seem to notice or bother. It was a Sand-wich alright !!

With frequent grunts, and “ughhhh-arrghh-bang-pow-‘Go to hell you pervert’…..”moments, we reached the end of the line. We finally reached good ground free of people and the smell of sweat. We just stood there and stared at the size of the vessel. It was huge. Occasionally my mom, very excited to see it, clicked a few pictures to preserve the memory, as my sister and I debated how we could make way to the ship and go into it if our lives depended on it and then we just had a moment of epiphany….something we didn’t dare to share with each other,

On this round trip excursion of the beach, we had braved sand throwing children, risked walking over people’s picnics, stepping on an occasional hand/foot, risked being run over by an emergency services vehicle, ditched the candy floss vendors, avoid being groped, pushed a drunk man into the sea (May his soul float in peace), walked over another sea of plastic bags/garlands/coconuts, knocked down a candy floss vendor’s machinery… and we couldn’t help but think “ITS JUST A STUPID SHIP “

Everybody knows everybody and everything about everybody (I accept this is a totally loser ass title for an article but what the hell…)

I read an article the other day that said there are two types of people in this world full of technology.

A: Digital immigrants

B: Digital natives

Now then people from my age group fall into the “Digital Native” category and people older i.e Seven or more years older than me, belong to the “digital immigrant” category… Well the definitions of these are simple..Digital natives are global netizens of the world of technology and Digital Immigrants are like Bangladeshi / Burmese/Pakistanis who just arrived in Mumbai yesterday and want to go to Juhu Beach!!!

Jokes apart, At least technology is making the lines between “Indians, Pakistanis” or “Hindu,Muslims” disappear.(Okay, sorry that was a joke ! )

(But now seriously jokes apart) Technology has overpowered our lives so much that one day without our cell phones is apocalypse. Early morning alarms are set in our phones. They say “Brush your teeth”. When you are on the pot, the phone says “Wash your hands and your…” Ewww…

When you jog, your phone counts how many steps you’ve walked, how much fat you’ve burnt, what is your heart rate and also provides you the entertainment you require while doing something as mundane as walking (I meant music not porn)

You return home, the cell phone shows you, you have a meeting in office at 10 therefore you must obey the cell phone. You leave from home and another message says, the location of your meeting has been changed to Oberoi Mall goregaon East. You immediately “Google” “Oberoi mall/ Goregaon east/ Transit). You find your way and u hop into a rickshaw. You realize you haven’t “googled” the company you are going to.. You “Google” “Vinod chemicals” (Just out of the top of my mind). After reading about the founder of Vinod Chemicals (who happens to be a bald toothless man who died fifty years ago, and yet you saw an ad in the paper for him yesterday saying” VINOD KAKA WE MISS YOU” Pffffttttt )..So anyway while wondering about Vinod Kaka’s denture adventures, you reach the place…So you’ve studied the company financials, the strategies blah blah blah…all in the fifteen minutes it took you to reach the place. You walk into the lobby, ask for Vinod chemicals reach their foyer and sit down !! And you remember since Vinod Kaka dies fifty years ago, he cant be running the company…and in horror you realize you don’t know the M.D’s name… “Cell-man to the rescue”. You whip it out of your Utility belt and google “M.D. Vinod Chemicals” …Aah saved in the nick of time!

You go to the meeting and you’re getting bored during the presentation so “bum pa pa paaaaaa” Out you whip your cell phone again and start the “Angry birds” Application! And you’ve crossed level one, when u realize, you aren’t listening to the presentation… you turn on the recorder in your phone and the magic begins…The meeting is over. You are hungry. “Google” the closest (might I add, the costliest, since the company will foot your bill…) hotel for the best food available and you plonk you bum in one of their chairs. The menu is un-understandable. It says

“Fey flu de reu ginger”

“Bu da usterey chicken”

You ”google” the dishes obviously !!! And you decide the safest to eat is “Fried rice”…. You decide to check your mail, on gmail. And then you do some “facebook-ing”. Its mid afternoon, you don’t feel like going to office..So you send a mail to your boss saying that you are not feeling very good. Next you check which movie is playing at the closet theatre, and drag your lazy ass there along with a friend who has nothing to do… You book the tickets online with your ABN AMRO/HSBC/tom/dick/harry bank credit card and enjoy the movie. You check your facebook account for any notifications, You’ve received a friend request from the cute receptionist at “vinod Chemicals”. You oblige!!

You walk around, shop for some clothes in the mall swipe your wonder card and live in the bliss of ignorance that someday YOU only have to pay for that Credit card.

So now your boss is yelling and asking your sub-ordinates why haven’t you turned up in office. So you google “Nausea, headache, body ache is caused by which illness?”

Results show “Pregnancy” (You think about it for a second nonetheless… and then let sanity prevail) You go to the next page “Food poisoning”

“Aaah yes! That’s what has happened to me” you decide to tell your boss. You reach office at 8. You tell your boss, “Sir, I went and ate “Fey flu de reu ginger” “Bu da usterey chicken” @ that new restaurant and I had food poisoning…that’s why I can’t come tomorrow…Here is the bill for the food (3600 rupees)” your boss is hyperventilating. You just about take out your phone to start googling “What to do in case of a heart attack…” but then he sneezes…

Everything’s cool!! You go home. Eat dinner. You click “LIKE” for “Michael Jackson page”, “India against Corruption”, some new hindi movie you saw today, update your facebook status to something sentimental (which of course was derived and re derived and re-derived from Shakespeare’s works and it doesn’t make any sense anymore to anyone but you). Then you log out of the google mail server and your switch off your GPS which you accidentally left on since morning.

That day @ the Google office, a staffer is carrying a load full of Hard disks, one of which bears the tag India in which is your name: XYZ (which they got from your gmail/facebook/HSBC/ABN AMRO account)

Indian	(Your name says it all)
Male	(Well you surf for a lot of porn)
Healthy	(Since you jog in the morning),
lives in suburbs	(Andheri to be exact, because your GPS was on)
Travels by public transport	(Since you selected Oberoi Mall/Goregaon/Transit and not Oberoi Mall/Goregaon/Bus route)
likes French food	(Since you googled the restaurants),
Cannot speak French	(Since you googled the food names),
Uses gmail and face-book regularly	(From where they have downloaded your photographs with friends and family…so they know your best friend’s name is Bittu and you have a younger sister, mom, dad and an elder brother in your family. They also know your elder brother is married and works in Japan because you’ve added your brother as your “Brother” on facebook and he has changed his “relationship status” from Single to “Married” a year ago),
Waist size 32”	(Because you paid the bill by your credit card and your bank mailed you saying “7000 rupees have been debited to your account for Shoppers stop for the following products: …”,
High income group	(Since you spent 10600 rupees in a day on just food and clothes)
Likes Hindi movies	(Since you googled only Hindi movies and not English movies while looking for tickets for the movie)
Pregnant??????? Huh???	(Not applicable)
May be suffering from food poisoning (Yeah that makes sense!)	(Since you are male and you can’t be pregnant, So you may be suffering from food poisoning since you googled “Nausea, headache, body ache is caused by which illness?” and did not search further after food poisoning! )
But may be faking the food poisoning bit	( Since you did not google Doctors around andheri/Goregaon)
Likes Michael Jackson Music, Supports India against corruption, does not understand shit about Shakespeare’s works	(Since you “liked” the “Michael Jackson Music page”, “India against corruption page” and googled the meaning of the sonnet “Within thine own bud buriest thy content, And, tender churl, mak'st waste in niggarding” you posted on face-book as your status)

Miscellaneous information available
Owns car but does not travel in it for work	(because you paid for your car insurance from your bank account which is linked to your gmail account for statements)
Owns a phone that supports internet	(Duh!!!!)
Uses internet without any worries of cost	(Some more Duh!!!)
Phone number is	(A lot more Duhhh!!!)
Went to S.S.C school	(Doesn’t understand Shit about Shakespeare)
Is right now reading a note called “Everybody knows everybody and everything about everybody”	(Ahem…)

And then the next day your phone is flooded with spam emails

“Shopper Stop offers, Food poisoning remedies (also just in case, “how to avoid morning sickness”), “learn French from French teacher 3000 rupees per month”, 80% off on Gym membership, 60% off on Hindi movie tickets on “Bookmyshow.com” if you book with an HSBC/ABN AMRO bank account…”Tired of your job ? Try Naukri.com”

This is only on the basis of information we give out in ONE day!!!!!

And when you are about to walk out of home, you switch on your GPS and log into your gmail account….